june 1 2018.

11:49 pm.

I'm writing this with a pencil that I broke

I stabbed it into my hand during 1 of the 1000000 times I've scarred myself to distract me

Because the physical pain is like spa treatment compared to the emotional pain I've had because of you

I see you in everyone

Everytime I hear your steps down the hall I briefly become religious so I can pray that you're not coming to my room

Why am I so afraid? I should be happy it only happened once

Does it even count if it only happened once?

Sometimes I go catatonic & no one notices.

I go insane sometimes, but no, let's focus on my bad manners instead of you

Everyone around us has enabled you to always have power over me

It's so fucking annoying when you clear your throat loud as fuck, I hope you choke & die

I've consistently asked God to help me but it seems like you get all the blessings

I really want to cut myself

I wonder how much mroe my parents can blame on the pictures on my wall

I stare at myself in the mirror & have no idea who that is

When I say I haven't been happy since 2nd grade, I mean I haven't been happy since 2nd motherfucking grade.

What took me so long?

Tomorrow it's the same thing and then the same thing and then

{copyright 2018 madame-santana.}